I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
