The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
try to milk me bitch
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
