worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
