I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
