Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
