You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize