Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize