I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
