That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
