I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
