Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
