Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
