He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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