I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
why is half of my head shaved?
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