Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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