I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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