i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you made out with another girl for some wings
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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