Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We had to coat check the pizza.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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