That's when you crack a 10am beer
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i drank out of a bidet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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