I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
