My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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