Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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