Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
