Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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