OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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