I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Everything about him screamed your future.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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