They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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