it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
