I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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