So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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