Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
