my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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