dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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