What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
