allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
