So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
