My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
