No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
