Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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