I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
