did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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