what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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