You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
