do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
