Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
