Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's never too late to be topless.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
