Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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