Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
