How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
