someone threw a dead crab at me
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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