OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I checked into jail on foursquare
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
