would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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