And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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