This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
