So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
