the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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