I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
