Who did Billy Mays play for?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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