At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
