I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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